BLACK EYE FOR BEAUTY
With so many international catastrophes running concurrently these days, I made a too-frantic decision to escape into beauty. Is that not, to which, all Art aspires?
Yes, the new "looksmaxxing" craze must be valuable, as it has been appearing across the international media. For the millennia, women have gamed the beauty treatment universe. 'Looksmaxxing' is today's male argument.
Laden with testosterone, these new age-defying techniques are home-based. The before and after pics are astounding. Not out of vanity, but journalistic inquiry, I went undercover.
For our non-coastal readers, 'looksmaxxing' is the new brutal punishment to make the male look better and feel more chipper, against the waves of neo-feminism and male-emasculation. This is a program for real He-Men. It involves extreme food starvation, modest meth addiction, roids and a few broken bones. The word 'broken' separates the He-Men from the Bois. You can't get taller (or shorter) without breaking some eggs. That's where I got into trouble.
If you chew enough stale bubble gum, car tire tough, your jaw muscles swell like actor Robert Pattinson. And now mine. Want a chiseled chin? All you need is a chisel and some gauze. You can change your height, but a medical doctor, extreme surgery and a bag of Benjamins are required.
Taking the path of least expense, I opted for the crafted, homemade rhinoplasty. I even bought a new, titanium hammer. I looked in the mirror and drew a bullseye across the bridge of my nose. There is no test-swing. You just have to aim and go for it. Swift and sure. It wasn't an exact hit. My eye swelled and blackened within a minute.
Determined, I did not quite get the result of the imperial Roman nose that I so desired. But I do have a whole new maxxed look. I may not resemble Robert Pattinson, but I still look like an actor, albeit Barry Keoghan.
We gotta give a shout out to Keoghan. The media is shoving him through the grinder right now. They are making fun of his schnoz. How dare they? His proboscis might be the reason he's had such an amazing filmography ("Saltburn" "Dunkirk" "Killing of a Sacred Deer") We're rooting for you Barry. To the maxx.
Art Report Today .com